Literary doodle pad

Anonymity

If you’re honest then people worry. And worry is bad. So to avoid worry, it’s tempting to shut away honesty. I am not writing much now for more than one reason; I have been so busy and exhausted with exams and stuff, and when you’re exhausted you can feel up and down. If you are honest about the various moments that constitute that roller-coaster then you could end up saying things you’ll regret. So you try not to. Silence is safe.

Honestly I just don’t know what to do; I just need to pray and pray till I’m blue in the face.

And now I don’t even know whether to post this because there might be one or two people who read this and worry… I hate that. I dislike pity with a repulsion that is more vehement than I’d expect… probably means I’ve got a pride issue that needs dealing with. It’s hard to think about things properly without bouncing them off a canvas, and I do believe thinking is important: essential. Weird how some folks (specially boys) seem to avoid it at all costs. Ah costs… valuable things are always costly… so is it worth it? Am I worth it? Sometimes I wish I could decide not to think or care…

Integrity and love haunt me… they ruin my life, and I want them to… but it’s still hard to choose rubble over a bouncy castle… haha figure that one out.

I’m not giving up yet. I will not give up, it would be worse than pain, to be numb.

There’s still MUCH to rejoice on and be thankful for… Come on head and heart; shut up and go to sleep.

‘Till next time with love and melodrama.

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Comments on: "Anonymity" (23)

  1. poetryuntold said:

    I don’t know you but if you like reading books, definitely read ‘The Power of Now’ – by Eckhart Tolle. You will forget pain, stress or worries. This book totally changed my life. You can probably find it in a library. Its popular.

    • I do like reading books, and since the summer is almost here I’ll hopefully have more time to read. :] I’ll check it out. :] xx

  2. Mr.memo said:

    nice one, you might wanna read what i wrote about caring as well, when you over do it you kinda forget about ur-self

    http://memochunks.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/stop-caring-too-much/

  3. I am delighted and horrified at the exactness of emotion and cunundrum shared and expressed as we experience it..the choice between indifference and rage, caring and ignoring, challenging and just going with the flow; numbness and pain.
    I went running out into the snowy night of January 2nd 1984…(which birthday was that?!) barefoot and in my nightie, up the mountain and prayed and cried for numbness because the pain was more than I could bear, I hoped for hypothermia and sleep and forgetfulness of pain…but the pain of numbness overcame my determination to abstain from entanglement, physical won over mental, now over later, and ultimately, now has superceded over the idea cherished then!
    Today I have battled with similar things that steal my joy on a regular basis. I have this project on, and it was good today. Yesterday was less successful, but tomorrow could be disastrous and it won’t negate today. The past wars and battlescores and scars tell me that much. Each day has its own integrity. Today, joy won over worry and anger. When forgiveness permanently wins over rage, I’ll be in heaven!
    I won’t send my pity, because there’s nothing you can do with pity. Can I just let you know, in this our paths have crossed and likely, they will again?

    • *hug* Thanks, yeah, pity is overrated, but I’ll take your empathy and the reassurance that despite crazy moments there’s so much joy still to be had, and good things to get involved in, which legitimate pressing on and hoping that I’m not mad. hahah. I’m so glad you didn’t get hypothermia and stay there when you were 21… haha so pretty much my age exactly…. I love you. xxxxxxxx

  4. Integrity and love haunt me… they ruin my life, and I want them to… but it’s still hard to choose rubble over a bouncy castle… haha figure that one out.

    This is a quotation I’ll have to learn by heart. It is so neat!

  5. Hang in there. Your faith will pull you through it. It’s hard sometimes to give over to Him, but you need to. I have been to the point were numbness began to take the place of pain, and you’re absolutely right. When you’re numb, it’s worse than pain, because in order to have a wall that high and that tight, you shut out the good feelings as well. When the wall finally collapses for the good, all the bad that you’ve shut rushes right back in (temporarily). It hurts and it sucks. Be thankful that you feel enough to feel the pain. When it becomes too overwhelming, pray for Him to take it off your shoulders. I’ve only had to that once, and the fear and depression felt like it drained from my eyes and out through my fingertips and it’s never come back. You have strong faith. You do not have to keep your own counsel, because you have Him to share it with. It may still feel like you’re keeping it to yourself, but you’re not. Let Him take the burden off you. You will find Rest in Him. πŸ™‚

    If you need a quick pick me up in the mean time, chomp some carrots. It’s been proven to ease anger, and if you’re depressed (or mad), go stick your tongue out at yourself in the mirror. Try being mad while you’re sticking out your tongue. I think it may be impossible. πŸ˜›

    I choose rubble over a castle, too, and sometimes it’s hard not to turn back to the castle. There’s another one waiting for me, though. Integrity and love cannot actually haunt you, unless you’re turning to the wrong sources. Intregity will set you free, and Love saves you. That’s the Bridegroom that matters.

    • Ah Jessica that was a very encouraging and restorative comment, thanks. :] So random about the carrots! Ha, I will make sure to have them in plentiful supply… You are so right about all of that. good wise stuff, :] xx

  6. I can relate to the feelings you have shared, except you express it far more honestly and exact than I could hope too. I love your style of thought. I thinking and reflection is prescious discipline that the world is seriously lacking, possibly due to some of the reasons you share.

    Thanks for sharing. I love what you have written “…Integrity and love haunt me… they ruin my life, and I want them to… but it’s still hard to choose rubble over a bouncy castle…” Keep chosing rubble, keep being haunted and ruined… these are good things.

    • :] Thanks Nick, yeah open heart surgery is scary and doesn’t look that appealing, but if it’s going to keep you alive then it’s best to let it go ahead. xx

  7. Your first sentence states it all. Recently, I’ve been hesitant as to blogging myself, namely for that reason. For fear of later regretting it.
    This is a powerful piece. Strange, how it connects total strangers across the globe…
    Best wishes,
    M.

    • Isn’t it? Blogging, where we tell strangers things we’d hardly entertain the thought of telling some of our friends. :S Hope you find peace and the boldness to express what you need to. :] xx

  8. Hi, Catie Eliza (still love that name!)
    You are still on the threshold of who you will be but you have discovered words and they will take you a far piece! God speed on your journey!

  9. So much said already Catie, pity is often shorthand for a failure to be truly empathic and compassionate, its a little disconnected, so you are right to be sceptical of it. Life is good! Good luck with the exams…x

    by the way – from the ‘unthinking’ male – lovely eyes

  10. My respect goes to those who can be honest with how they are feeling. I have yet to know somebody who’s in cloud 9 all the time but yes, there are those who see their lives as cloudy all the time. Like a cloud you can drift away for a moment but be sure to come back puffy. Hugs πŸ˜‰

  11. Every word here is dripping with honesty. Your not alone, we all feel misery from love. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with the world, your strength is inspiring.

  12. It is really wonderful that I can connect with you from way over here in Australia and I can feel there is someone on the other side of the world who thinks the same way I do…I wonder about this gift we have been given (life) and how to not be afraid of the scary bits but to trust that “we are children of the Universe and have a right to be here”. I really like your writing Catie Eliza! Love from Oz xxx

  13. I promise I won’t tell a soul, but you seem to be human! Humanity now there’s the rub.. smiles…

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