In the shadows deep and long
We hold mysterious secret gaze,
These crazy precious moments build
Strong foundations to last for always
You are not bad, you are not mean,
It’s simple, beautiful vulnerability
Which brings us both to this hard seam
Of raw dependence, you and me
The fiercest love, forged in raging flame,
Brokenness and beauty roughly bound,
We’ve a good thing here, there is no shame,
Let’s close our ears to the conformity game
Your sweet heaviness, your light brightness
Gently crumble my life’s walls
And in this brilliant messy rightness
New life and growth, adventure calls
If I could pay with any price
Even with my final breath,
You’re worth every sacrifice,
Truth revealed; love’s stronger than death
Archive for the ‘Observations’ Category
In the shadows deep and long
If you can’t be bothered to read a long post, I’ll start with a summary:-
I went on my church weekend away and had a wonderful time and got a clearer idea of what covenant is and why it makes sense that Jesus dying on the cross means we can be forgiven. I think I am learning a lot about my relationship with God and the church’s relationship with Jesus through going out with Pete. End of summary. :]
This photo was taken while a big group of us went on a walk on our weekend away. It was an utterly beautiful day.
We looked at the truth in the Bible and the significance of the actions and promises of Jesus to our lives. Jesus and I are in a covenant. Because of this, we are ONE, despite also being two. Like marriage; one marriage, two people. Being one with Jesus is the only way it makes sense that when HE died on the cross, MY mistakes were forgiven. This is also why I can be hid with Christ in glory, why I can have, do have, eternal life. So the key is intimacy with Jesus, joining in that covenant that He offers us… becoming one with Him.
I don’t have the eloquence to explain why this was eye opening for me, I think it makes more sense because I feel more involved in the crucifixion now. It’s not another reason for me to feel guilty, it’s what sets me FREE from guilt. :]
Which leads me on to the next bit: I understand this covenant primarily because I think I understand marriage (to an extent). My mam and dad love each other and have made a lifetime commitment. They don’t make sense without each other, and whatever you do to one of them, you therefore do to the other. Because by their marriage they became one. If you hurt my mother, you hurt my father also, and if you are loving to my father, you are loving to my mother also. They’re pretty equal, they have different strengths and they have vowed to stand by each other no matter what; picking each other up when needed.
With Jesus and me, the covenant is different because Jesus is strong and perfect, and I am not. But actually, we do both love each other, and nothing can separate us. Jesus willingly became the sacrifice, for all that I do wrong, and more. He is not begrudging.
Which leads me on to Pete, and how being in a relationship with him is teaching me about God’s love. This bit is more embarrassing to talk about because it doesn’t paint me in a great light, and I also don’t want to come across as though I’m boasting because I have such a great boyfriend. I didn’t earn him, I am blessed by him. I’ll tell a story quickly to illustrate.
On Sunday night after getting back from the church weekend away I had to change the tyre on my bike. I had to leave the house at quarter past six the next day to catch a bus to Stockton and ten to seven for work. At about twenty to seven I got into town (nice and early) only to discover upon arrival that my bike lock WAS NOT ON MY BIKE!! *panic* Options flit in a wobbly way through my head; go to Wilko and buy one? Can’t it’s not open yet. Go home and get it? Don’t have time. Call Sam and Lizi? They won’t know the situation/be fast enough. Leave bike in town and hope? No, it will almost certainly get stolen. Jesus, what do I do? Call Pete. Try not to cry with relief when he answers on second ring. Garble in a shaky voice at top speed. Wait for Pete to BOMB it into town only just woken up. Leave bike and trust Pete to find it and keep it safe. Dash madly for bus. Receive text from Pete to say he has my bike safe and sound. Reflect on irrationally willing nature of Pete towards me.
But do you know what, Pete didn’t want me to try to retrospectively earn his rescue, and he didn’t love me less because he’d cycled so fast he felt sick and asthmatic and he actually said he ENJOYED being there for me at ANY hour of the day. And instead of managing to redeem myself, I went and got all over emotional about something and sobbed down the phone to him a couple on nights later at half past midnight. But instead of being dismissive and begrudging and he sought me out the next day with flowers and chocolate. I have to try to learn to receive this kind of sacrificial and loving behaviour. And obviously my response is that I want to love him back as much as I can. But not out of guilt, out of joy!! And this is exactly what I need to learn in my relationship with Jesus too.
Today’s lesson; Fire is Hot.
Just over a week ago, I was in Church and God showed me a picture of some wax. I had no idea why, of what it was about.
Today I was trying to melt some wax with my ‘improved’ lighter, and the lighter melted and I slightly burnt my finger. I know that when my Mam reads this she will be horrified. (Please forgive me, I really wasn’t being that dangerous and no real ill consequences came).
Why is fire so tempting? I want to suggest, (though I don’t claim to be the first) that fire is like love, that fire is like God. A bit. See, fire is amazing, makes you warm, makes you excited, makes you want to get closer, to play, to be awed. But… Fire is also dangerous. Especially if you underestimate it.
I might start to use fire in a bad way… to feel powerful maybe? Or I might leave fire unattended, scorn it’s potential to do something. Or I might forget to put more fuel on the fire, and be shocked when it goes cold.
The Fire the that sparkles and warms
Burns those who scorn,
The Love that melts the heart must
not become lust,
The God whose compassion shines
So don’t underestimate Fire, Don’t underestimate Love and Don’t underestimate God. Micah 1:4
Hello blogging world, it’s been a while…
Recently I took my shoes off and waded through a freezing cold river, and it was exhilarating and beautiful and fun….I think life can be like that… the cold can almost be enjoyable, just because it’s beautiful further on, and the person going with you is awesome, and they even help you warm up on the other side (But I do realise, life’s trials can be a lot worse than freezing cold feet).
I am a terrible and sporadic blogger. Which is fine, because my blog exists mainly to serve my own purposes, and when I don’t do it, that’s fine, because i’m doing it verbally with people around me, or creatively, by other means.
I recently read a post about resting that my friend wrote and it evoked a continuation of a thought process I have been figuring out.
I have blogged because I need to express, think and be creative.
I have worked because it is good to proactively contribute the the goings on of the world around us, and because it’s good to take responsibility for providing for the needs of my existence, which include financial demands.
BUT, I can express, think and be creative without blogging; no guilt attached.
SO… does it then follow that, if I can proactively contribute to the goings on of the world around me in a positive way, and take responsibility for providing for my needs, can I be unemployed without feeling guilty for it? I’m not suggesting I stay unemployed on purpose, at all (I would really love to have something to invest my time and energy in, and to feel independent as a result of the resulting income), but can it be that God wants me to learn to be humble, and learn to work without monetary reward, and then learn to receive from elsewhere, without being able to say I earnt it?
This lesson, God, is not a fun one to be learning, just so you know…. so if you’re reading my blog (the least you could do, I feel) then please help me to learn it quickly, so that I can then go ahead and get a job, and be a blessing to those around me? Please pretty please?
In other news I can now complete a rubik’s cube. Next on the list: a toss up between poi, and basic guitar playing… ;]
P.S. Is it wrong to deliberately make friends feel uncomfortable in a lightly banterful way, just because they asked for it, and it’s funny?
A tremor, faint, in your expression
Joins your half answer to my question;
One foot out I slow, I know,
Restraint’s an early mist on your emotion
A catch in your throat shows your struggle,
Heavy dew, light bloom aromas muddle
And with one cuddle, the honesty flows
While hopes and fears you juggle
I’m honoured when you share your heart,
Wind me by the climbers in your mind
To find your childlike courage when tears smart,
You blink away the weeds that try to bind
Beyond the quaint exterior, pearly paint,
The Secret Garden’s not so hard to enter,
Spirit’s fruit grow, love right at the centre,
Your roots ain’t like mine, but that’s adventure
‘Fore now your friendship’s taught me many things,
Of bold and thorny challenge; real love’s tough,
Praise ringing through the branches as you sing;
You’re precious and these words are not enough.
I saw this Naomi lass, the one who used to have a fringe…
She was wearing a neon coat and crouching in the rain ‘rescuing’ earthworms from the pavement. Most passers by looked at her like she was really weird, and she laughed to herself.
Did you talk to her?
Well I was going to but it seemed like a better idea to just crouch down alongside her and join in.
And did she save these worms?
Yeah, actually, she couldn’t save them all but she thought that wasn’t a good enough excuse not to save any at all.
Will she be out on the pavements again next time it rains?
Well, I hope so… it depends, sometimes the way the world works can kind of suppress her and she just sortof can’t be found among all the busy people who think that their business and their own selfish needs are more important, she can be tempted to blend in… I hate it when she gets lost in the midst of that ideology.
Ahh i see.
But the world is just so big, she can’t get round to saving all of it; even picking up this earthworm rather than that one is a choice
Yeah it’s a tough world….
Do you think it’s worth it… should she just put on her suit and forget the neon and the earthworms?
Depends… on lots of things… There are lots of valuable ways to spend time… which she obviously has a finite amount of in a day…
How come this wondering about worms, anyway?
Haha…. well the event caused me to ponder, it could be a picture that represents a broader understanding of the world…
You see it got me wondering… if there were some things about catie that had been more genuinely pure and good; humbling things that make it convenient to lose her. It was nice to see her, but I was wondering if I see her less these days… if I’d replaced her with some townie kid who didn’t care about earthworms, who had ideas above her station..
Ahhhh i see
It would be unfortunate to just replace her,
trample on her worms and leave her out in the rain
Yeah… I mean don’t get me wrong she could always be selfish and bad, but I think she was brave and willing to stand up and be different and do what’s uncomfortable if she though it was the right thing to do… I’d hate it if she became unecognisable in that sense…
But she hasn’t
Not yet 🙂
Like you said – she was chilling with the worms today
And she might just prompt a few others around her to think too
Like me. And yourself.
Yeah, I’m glad I recognised her, it would have been easy to ignore her and keep walking, not to think about it at all, I’m sure I’ve done that before, I hope I don’t from now on, but I probably will…
that you’ve told me about her 🙂
Subtle tell-tale creases outline your eyes
And my finger longs to linger there
To share the stories softly etched
Unbridled laughter, earnest trace of care
I press my lips against your rough worked hands;
I’m five again, and I can feel the chafe
Your palm, clean water on my back
I know its warmth, or yours, and I am safe
The very things that reveal your humanity
And seal the letters detailing your days
Singing boldly, shirking vanity
They warm my skin like summer morning rays.
Physical contact, not in a sexual way necessarily, (that is talked about quite a lot…) but one of the things I don’t always know where to draw the line with is things like play fighting and just hanging out with friends. How much it is okay to be physically close… I am a very tactile person and if I like someone, even just as a friend, I want to express it by hugging them, play fighting with them, playing with their hair etc… most of this is generally deemed okay when I’m with my friends who are girls, but when i’m with guys, even if there’s really definitely nothing going on other than friendship it seems to be something that’s frowned upon, is it wrong that that is the way I express myself?
I’m curious about fear. Why does fear get to wield such influence in our lives? Does it even make sense?
I am one of the most jumpy people alive… I am ridiculous when I watch scary films, but curiosity gets the better of me and every so often I watch one… I watch it knowing I’ll regret it, and then when I’m done, guess what, I regret it.
Let me tell you a couple little stories about curiosity and about fear…
One day (today actually) I was trying to be helpful on the small holding, so I took a tub and went to pick raspberries. The bushes are all close together and you have to get entangled to do any proper helpful fruit picking, and there are loads of flies, bees and wasps. Wasps are an issue for me… I don’t understand why I am so scared of them… I wanted to be brave and useful though so I kept trying to pick raspberries, even though every buzz was a test… and then just as I’d put the last ripe raspberry into the tub a wasp came too close to my hand and… I dropped the pot and ran… like a real sissy! It’s so infuriating!! I simply don’t seem to be able to use mind over matter…
One (different) day, I had my curiosity spiked by a friend, a teenage boy. He told me that he had stapled a receipt to his leg. Why, on hearing this, did I instantly want to do it too? I knew it would hurt, and I knew it was purposeless but I still wanted to. It really was fascinating… i found the receipt got in the way and didn’t quite quench my curiosity, so I did it without any paper; so I could get a proper look at the staple as it clung in my leg… and as I pulled it out… It didn’t really hurt that much, but apparently I could have got an infection and needed to amputate my leg… so I’m not allowed to do it again (that’s okay… curiosity on this generally over now)
Once I was asked out by a young man with whom I had been good friends for a while. I was shocked, and scared, and excited. I said yes. I knew I was making a choice to be vulnerable and also to take on responsibility to take care of someone else’s heart, basically I was choosing to love him. This was terrifying to me in a way, it had the potential to hurt me and him in a big way but I thought that IF it worked out it could be something fantastic. Turned out to be both, I think. It was one of the most rollercoasterish nine months I’d experienced as a result of a choice I’d made. It was a risk, I took it, I was so blessed, I learned things, I was quite hurt too though. Now… would I, could I take a similar risk again?
So basically what I’m wondering about is this… There seem to be different types of fear, or at least a scale of levels of fear. I’m afraid of pain, but specifically the pain caused by a wasp sting I seem to fear a hundred times more than a needle or a punch in the stomach or something. But all of these fears are insignificant and not something I’d actually worry about at night when I can’t sleep. I’m afraid of bad things happening unexpectedly, which means I jump when I watch films and have to hide behind cushions and things, but somehow I am still curious, so I still choose to watch these things…. I’m scared of unseen jellyfish when I’m swimming but I still love going in the sea. I’m often curious about how much pain I can take and I pick (play)fights with people 3 times as big as me… Rollercoasres are designed to scare us and yet loads of us love going on them?!?
Really, the kind of thing I’m actually afraid of is losing a precious friendship, hurting someone, being rejected by someone I love, being a burden to others, disappointing God or my family, being selfish and making bad decisions… Some are scary because they’re to do with the hope for something amazing, and the scary part is the disappointment if they don’t work out, and some are to do with temptation to sin, and that kind rarely seems scary at the point of choosing, but in reality are probably far worse. And yet, even though these things are much more important to me really… I make such silly choices with regard to them. The Ones that are to do with fear of disappointment I have to make a real effort not to avoid, while with temptations I’m not nearly so swift to avoid situations where I could potentially fall into them… I don’t ‘drop the tub of raspberries and run’…. and is it because of curiosity that I don’t?
Sigh… I have been rambling…. With lots of questions, but also lots of love . ;] xx