If you’re honest then people worry. And worry is bad. So to avoid worry, it’s tempting to shut away honesty. I am not writing much now for more than one reason; I have been so busy and exhausted with exams and stuff, and when you’re exhausted you can feel up and down. If you are honest about the various moments that constitute that roller-coaster then you could end up saying things you’ll regret. So you try not to. Silence is safe.
Honestly I just don’t know what to do; I just need to pray and pray till I’m blue in the face.
And now I don’t even know whether to post this because there might be one or two people who read this and worry… I hate that. I dislike pity with a repulsion that is more vehement than I’d expect… probably means I’ve got a pride issue that needs dealing with. It’s hard to think about things properly without bouncing them off a canvas, and I do believe thinking is important: essential. Weird how some folks (specially boys) seem to avoid it at all costs. Ah costs… valuable things are always costly… so is it worth it? Am I worth it? Sometimes I wish I could decide not to think or care…
Integrity and love haunt me… they ruin my life, and I want them to… but it’s still hard to choose rubble over a bouncy castle… haha figure that one out.
I’m not giving up yet. I will not give up, it would be worse than pain, to be numb.
There’s still MUCH to rejoice on and be thankful for… Come on head and heart; shut up and go to sleep.
‘Till next time with love and melodrama.